Dear all,
I am applying to go for an International Summer Programme at Korea University! Not only is this the perfect time to showcase the skills I learnt in the course, but also a chance for me to receive further feedback of my writing style! So here is my response to a PERSONAL STATEMENT that is part of the application form.
I am applying to go for an International Summer Programme at Korea University! Not only is this the perfect time to showcase the skills I learnt in the course, but also a chance for me to receive further feedback of my writing style! So here is my response to a PERSONAL STATEMENT that is part of the application form.
Any feedback rendered is greatly appreciated!
Cheers!
Please
include a personal statement of about 500 words as to why you wish to you to go
for your selected programme and how it will benefit you.
Travelling
to Korea has always been my dream, as it is arguably the hub of Asia, sporting multitudinous
musical, entertainment, historical, culinary and technological attractions. Moreover,
I have always been impressed at the polite disposition of the Koreans. As one
of the country’s oldest and top ranked universities, KU is renowned for its excellence
and comprehensiveness in teaching. I therefore crave at not only living in one
of Asia’s most technologically advanced cities, but also to experience varsity
life at this premium university.
The summer
programme offered by KU is therefore an excellent opportunity for four reasons.
Firstly, I relish the chance to intern under either of Korea’s two most famed
companies, Samsung and LG. As a student, intensive industrial practicum is
invaluable, as it opens our eyes to realistic situations that we have been
shielded from under the shelter of our education system. More interestingly,
the internship scope in these corporations is outside the field of engineering.
As it is too important to be multidisciplinary in our society, this internship equips
me with important skills of another discipline that I can apply in my engineering
industrial practicum, and subsequently my corporate life.
Secondly, KU
allows me to take any courses offered in the summer. This allows me to experience
different learning structures and methods while undertaking interesting courses.
The course that I am keen to take up is “Korean Philosophy”, as I am interested
to understand the beliefs that shape the cognitive acumen of Koreans, setting
them apart from others. Furthermore, the many other courses specifically
tailored to Korea that will also be equally fulfilling in my desire of cultural
immersion and intellectual molding. I believe that going through this unique
Korean pedagogy will alter my perception of academia, provide educational
diversity and a memorable experience that I will cherish and want to share with
my peers.
Thirdly, the
programme gives me the chance to learn a third language. As Korea is becoming
increasingly vibrant and cosmopolitan, the Korean language has also become more
frequently spoken. Hence, gaining some mastery of it opens up many doors for me
to communicate with others and widen my social circle. Personally, I feel that
acquiring a fundamental proficiency in a third language is definitely an
essential skill set one should aim to acquire in life, and I would therefore
fully cherish this experience.
Lastly, this summer programme allows me to tour the city of Seoul and experience first hand the heartbeat of Korea. In addition, this program grants me an opportunity to experience varsity life in a foreign university. This encourages me to take part in meaningful varsity activities that I might have missed out in NUS.
In
conclusion, the opportunity to study at KU and intern in Korea is a once in a
lifetime opportunity that I would live to regret if I were to let it pass me
by. As a keen learner and a dynamic student, I feel that this summer programme
would be highly beneficial.
Hi, this is Mark.
ReplyDeleteTo be really honest, this essay wouldn't get my selection if I'd been the reading officer, and if I might have had another better one for comparison. Of course, better is pretty subject, so I'll also show you, but with my viewing point, where better things could have been.
Before I become critical, first the essay was better in terms of grammar, though there are mistakes here and there, but not too many, will point them out later in 1 paragraph in which I will show you all the problems I see.
Movin' on
Personally you don't ever describe your reasons with firstly this, secondly that, thirdly then, much more telling your readers you'd give them 4 or any number of reasons at the beginning of everything. That made sense?
Let me explain further. You supposed a personal statement impersonal, rigid, pedantic, although I don't think these adjectives were really your intent. You'd had to be very clear that any personal requirement requires your creativity. That includes above every creative reason you can think to how you actually reason-articulate or idea-articulate, more generally *style*. Does that make sense?
Titus had really good explanations for why he'd be the supposed best candidate for the vacancy at this particular Korean University, but he'd articulated far from best or personal. His reasons were really personal, sure enough, syntax-ing in English also distinct, sure again, and all these helped created the person he'd like his readers to take notice. A very personal statement indeed! But destroyed by the use of numerical categorization, worst, saying in articulate form that he was about to use that, which couldn't have been any worst for a supposed personal statement requirement read creativity. Does that make sense?
(continue below)
Secondly---(note that I, and yourself, shouldn't be using this transitional term at all), the essay generally lacks connectivity of ideas. Simply said, most sentences were grammar-fine, syntax-fine, but whose containing ideas or explanations didn't flow smoothly from one line to the next. Can you see it? And this is not helped by the very long-winded sentences, and that hindered a fair amount of connection intended. You'd also had talked far too many ideas for why you wanted the university slot, when it'd have been far better to focus on 1 or 2 and really articulate and make these connect, within and between and hence, your reader, like me. Connectivity was lost simply because the ideas for why you are the best candidate lacked further depth or elaboration, for which I suppose was a direct result of trying to give so many reasons but not really specializing in any one.
ReplyDeleteThese problems were riddled all throughout the essay, so let's be efficient and focus on simply 1 paragraph for which to point out these.
"Secondly, KU allows me to take any courses offered in the summer. This allows me to experience different learning structures and methods while undertaking interesting courses. The course that I am keen to take up is “Korean Philosophy”, as I am interested to understand the beliefs that shape the cognitive acumen of Koreans, setting them apart from others. Furthermore, the many other courses specifically tailored to Korea that will also be equally fulfilling in my desire of cultural immersion and intellectual molding. I believe that going through this unique Korean pedagogy will alter my perception of academia, provide educational diversity and a memorable experience that I will cherish and want to share with my peers."
First two sentences above, the word 'allow' used consecutively respectively. That affects your overall grade in articulating finesse. Next, here comes the big question mark and really affects the clear connection that I am trying to find.
You said KU allows you to take any courses (grammar error here, should be 'course' in singular! And what do you mean by 'any'? That's very vague, and impersonal, not like something you write so generally in a personal (specific) statement!) in the summer because it allows you to experience different learning structures (What's a learning structure? Doesn't make sense in this context! You meant 'learning outcomes' do you, because that would make sense.) and methods while undertaking interesting courses. Let me point out all the 'connectivity' problems in just these 2 simple sentences. It really created havoc in my mind.
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So Titus in this 2 sentences, you were saying only summer courses have different 'learning structures and methods', but different from what? From winter, from spring, from autumn, or is it different from Singapore? Or Harvward? MIT? It didn't make any sense to me. Next, why does taking summer courses help you experience 'different learning structures and methods'?? You mean only courses taken in the summer provide you with 'special learning structures and methods'? Why can't autumn, winter and spring courses in the normal semester provide your 'different learning structures and methods'? You didn't say, and so it didn't make any sense (connection) to me! Then you haven't told us what is the 'different learning structures and methods'! Do you mean learning the Korean language while sky-diving or scuba-diving? I don't know what is because you didn't say what should be! Does that make sense Titus?
ReplyDeleteThe final problem with your first 2 sentences is the fact that you end with 'undertaking interesting courses'. Again, that threw me off guard, because in the previous sentence you were talking about 'any course' but that became 'interesting courses'.
That doesn't make sense, that a singular course could turn plural suddenly, or the fact that you'd found the course that you haven't had any idea of interesting before you'd even thought about taking, much less selected!!! This one really got me wondering for the longest time. It didn't make sense, many things didn't.
In the 3rd sentence, you suddenly mention a specific course. Your mentioning something specific is good but the effect of that statement was lost because of the first 2 sentences! That made your 3rd sentence out of place. You should have done away with the first 2 statements and simply start the paragraph with the 3rd statement and find a way to connect it to the previous paragraph. Does that make sense?
Within the 3rd sentence I find again long windedness. You used keen and interested, which are 2 ways of saying the same thing. Good writing isn't using many different words to say the same thing, instead, you say the one thing and be done with it and connect to the next thing and so on. And then the last few words of the 3rd sentence don't make any sense as well. 'Apart from others' is too general for writing a personal (specific) statement! There is no cognitive impact at all when I read it!
Moving on to the 4th sentence, again it doesn't make any sense, some syntaxing issue, and maybe grammar as well, and the too manya ideas within don't somehow connect effortlessly for strong impact! I leave that to you to find out.
(continue below)
Then finally the last sentence is pretty long-winded and many parts don't make sense as well. How does it alter your perception of academia and why? And what aspect of academia? I'm confused! And what diversity? Yes you already talked about diversity in the previous paragraph with that practicum, and suddenly introduced it into the next paragraph from out of nowhere! Or were you referring to another type of educational diversity, in which case you didn't state clearly, and it all didn't make sense as a result. And then why will you cherish it? Cherishing something always accompanies very clear and strong reason, and it wasn't so in your paragraph, with all the long-windedness and idea 'connectivity' problems. And why would your friends want you to share with them what is your own business in Korea? I don't see any connection for this idea, and I am left confused again.
ReplyDeleteThe personal statement read in my eyes is pretty severe, and room for so much more improvement, that is what I can offer on the table here. Not sure what happens under the eyes' of your classmates though!
I hope these helps, sincerely.
Hello Mark!
DeleteThank you for your honest critique of my application letter! I've always felt that my paragraph on Korean Philosophy was my weakest and now I see specific ways that I can improve it!
Still, I think that it is okay to use "I" in my personal statement. Just a preference of mine, to ensure that the statement remains personal =)
Thanks once again!
There are also many idea/reason connectivity problems in the 1st, 4th and 5th paragraphs. There is a lack of close control of your writing matter/content, ideas and reasons and details don't flow extremely linearly to create the impact a really personal statement is born to do. Many reasons caused that, like I have mentioned, the long-windedness or grammar/syntax issues, apart from the fact that the ideas don't already basically connect to start with. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteIt's fine to use 'I' I suppose, but if you'd ask me, I'd prefer to show them 'I'without showing 'I'.
Excellent letter, Titus. I'm impressed by your reasoning, your ambition, and your passion, all of which come through clearly in this letter. You've also gotten a ton of interesting feedback from Mark. Wow!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!