"Why did you buy me a clock and white chrysanthemum flowers on my birthday?!" shrieked Lorraine.
"It's really romantic right? I think the chrysanthemum flowers really suit you! Oh by the way, will you be my girlfriend?" asked Jack with barely concealed glee publicly in the classroom.
SMACK!
A bewildered Jack received a tight slap to his face. Pandemonium ensued in the classroom as Lorraine attempted to rain more blows on Jack, who was shielded by our classmates
I really regretted not giving Jack more accurate advice on his surprise for Lorraine. Jack Dillon and I were close friends and classmates in college. He was born in the city of Wisconsin, America, and had lived in Singapore for a good 10 years. One would really expect him to be at least aware of what items are definitely not to be given as gifts; certainly not the Chinese emblems of death, to a Chinese girl on her birthday.
The Chinese culture is one that is hinged on superstition and omens. Unfortunately, it is believed to be "unlucky" if one were to give a clock, or any instrument that indicates time to someone else as a gift because it reminds them of their mortality. Therefore it is rude to even give an expensive watch to a Chinese, as it is tantamount to wishing the receiver a swift death.
Moreover, white chrysanthemums are thought to be "universal" symbols of death as they are often used in funerals. Yet when I probed Jack behind his intention for this flower, he simply told me that chrysanthemums represent honesty and purity in America. This admittedly intrigued me because I was brought up in a culture where I've never seen these flowers being used as gifts to anyone and definitely not to start a relationship.
It had been my idea to purchase a practical gift for Lorraine, coupled with flowers to signify his romantic intent. We were texting each other feverishly on the eve of her birthday during class on what flower he should purchase. Unfortunately we had yet to reach a conclusion when I had to attend a project conference. Since Lorraine broke her watch a week ago and had yet to purchase a replacement, Jack must have thought it was extremely practical to purchase her another watch.
It was appalling to me, that Jack did not conduct any research to his gift, and that Lorraine would react so irrationally. Till that day, I've never thought of her to be someone particular about her roots that the superstitions of our forefathers would be intrinsic in her. I guess that it would be prudent to not assume the concept of a "universal culture", because as it turns out, our gifts and actions can be deemed extremely offensive to people of different cultures. Moreover, she might have felt further incensed that Jack had the cheek to publicly ask to start a relationship with her with those gifts.
Jack and Lorraine finally patched their friendship later that week, and just got attached this year while studying abroad. You can imagine my surprise when I received word through his email.
This story has been written with the permission of the involved persons, whose names and birth history (for Jack) have been changed deliberately for the purpose of this story to protect their identity. Any relation to other persons and their life experience is purely coincidental. To the happy couple who have read this blog post, hearty congratulations once again =)
"Jack" maybe you buy her roses this time.
Hi Titus!
ReplyDeleteThat was an interesting post=) and I'm glad for Jack for getting the girl he likes too. But I was quite surprised by how big Lorraine's reaction was to the gifts (wow she's fierce)
This goes to show that lack of understanding of a different culture can lead to miscommunication. Mutual understanding and acceptance would reduce such friction. Jack could have done some research before shopping for gifts, and Lorraine could have reminded herself that Jack is after all a foreigner and may be unfamiliar with the chinese beliefs.
Nevertheless, it was a happy ending which was fortunate=)
Hey Eileen!
ReplyDeleteYes I was totally shocked too! Lorraine is so...cultural! Glad you like this post! The 2 of them are in some kind of honeymoon in USA now (a 180 degree change - Lorraine is now the foreigner) and I think the fact that they are together shows that they are both more cognizant of cultural behaviors and norms!
Thank you for reading my post!
Cheers
Wow it's cool to have an ang moh boyf! Haha.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow Jr, it was a sweet fairytale, thank you for sharing!
I don't think we can fault Jack for his lack of knowledge on our chinese traditions and values. It would be weird to actually research on what to buy for someone's birthday, no? I'd be freaked out haha. Then again, it's not impossible and would have done no harm. But seriously, having lived in SG for a decade and not knowing the more prominent traits of the major race in the country?! Lol.
Well, knowledge is essential to prevent conflict, and this applies beyond the intercultural context. Next comes understanding. Once we know and understand, we may then be more receptive towards the way others behave. Ultimately, what we aim to achieve would be a degree of acceptance. I think this is important if we were to coexist harmoniously. It would be unthinkable if Jack had known and still chose to get L a watch (eg. of rejecting another's cultural values).
Happy engin e-learning week xD
Snr
Hey Snr
DeleteI completely agree with you! Cognizance and acceptance of other cultural norms have made Singapore a harmonious plural society! And I like this in Singapore because the cultural lines are very distinct, but so well respected!
I know right...living in Singapore for a decade and still getting the wrong gifts! Actually I do research for gifts when it matters - especially for an occasion like asking to start a relationship with someone LOL!
Thank you for reading my blog post!
Happy e-learning week!
Jnr
Brudderrrrrrr
ReplyDeleteI think you were born in sugar la. So damn sweet my brother. HAHA. I second Kristyn that we cannot fault the Ang Moh boy la. He must have been so shocked to have been slapped.
You know in Indian culture, when a woman is pregnant it is not auspicious to buy baby's clothes as a present before the baby is born. Indian people usually try to avoid it. This is just a piece of information which I thought would be interesting to share with you:)
Thanks for the interesting read Titus:)
Wow it's not auspicious to buy baby's clothes before the birth of the baby? That's really interesting! Well..what will the baby wear then when it does come?
DeleteI am really curious, this is something I've never heard of before!
THank you for giving my blog post a read brudder!
Cheers
Hi Titus,
ReplyDeleteI think the main issue here is, both Jack and Lorraine has been using assumptions. Jack assumed that everyone likes (any) flowers and watches. In contrast, Lorraine assumed that everyone should know that chrysanthemums and watches symbolize death.
In order to be an open minded person, assumptions should be avoided. Ideally, we should try to analyze everything on case by case basis. However, there are limitations, so few assumptions is inevitable.
In this case, maybe Jack had researched about general Singapore society and he found out that young Singaporeans are not very superstitious. Lorraine is a special case, an outlier on the graph.
Another thing is about a constrain which made Jack's research imperfect: time. Jack might be able to "interrogate" Lorraine for days, but he can only give her birthday present on her birthday.
Hmm...that is a very interesting read on the issue Mercia! You make valid points but I guess in making these points you are also assuming? I know some of our local youth do not know much of their culture, causing cultural lines amongst these youths to be more diffuse.
DeleteYet, I also know of some youths who place emphasis on culture! For instance, students who religiously go for prayers every friday (a norm in Singapore). Not once have I seen them take this opportunity to skive and go "yipee I escape from class earlier than you!". The fasting too! I've not heard any malay complain about the fast - even in army when everyone is so vulgar. Instead this fast is observed religiously and to quite some degree of seriousness.
So I guess Lorraine is not really an outlier lah! She'll be so hurt to see this especially after she gave me permission to tell this story for our module!
BUT! I agree that assumptions are made too often sometimes that they have very destructive circumstances!
Cheers!
Hello
ReplyDeleteYah I agree with Kristyn that we can fault the Caucasian boy on that mistake! I'm a full chinese, and honestly, I don't mind receiving a watch or chrysanthemum flowers (if those were my favorite flowers) for any occasion. In fact, I've received watch as a present for quite a number of time and it never once occurred to me that I was being "cursed" although I'm fully aware that the Chinese thinks that it means death. And in fact, it seems that most of my friends have no issue with it hahaha maybe like what Mercia said, Lorraine is an "outlier". But then again, as a Chinese, I would avoid giving a watch / clock as a gift if I'm aware that my friend or his/her parents are superstitious about such stuff (:
Thanks for this clear description of your cultural observation, Titus. You've chosen an apt situation, one that seems ready-made for discussion (and criticism!). You also present your story concisely and yet completely.
ReplyDeleteMy main question though is regarding Jack's cultural blindness. How could he live in Singapore for so long and not have been smart enough to know what he should have bought his sweetheart? Oh, let me go a step beyond: Why would any guy be so silly as to buy a girl a clock (was it a watch?) and chrysanthemums as a present. That certainly would be regarded as stupid even in the U.S., statements of purity and honesty aside!
A couple other points:
1) ...it is believed to be "unlucky" if one were to give a clock, or any instrument that indicates time to someone else as a gift because it reminds them of their mortality. >>> ...it is believed to be "unlucky" if one gives a clock, or any instrument that indicates time to someone else as a gift because it reminds them of their mortality.
2) Wisconsin is a state (probably the size of Peninsular Malaysia) and not a city!
3) It was appalling to me, that Jack .... >>> It was appalling to me that Jack ....
AH beg your pardon for the mistakes! Will work on it and improve on my blog post!
Delete